Disclaimer: this blog is joke, please don’t send me hate mail.
Want to become a filthy rich author in five easy steps? Me too!
(Not really … well, maybe … sorta).
Below are the five essential steps that’ll ensure you experience worldly literary success and a FAT bank account.
# 1 Find a formula and stick to it
Become a filthy rich author by adding your own twist to an existing formula and then use it as the structure for ALL of your future novels.
Now, you can pump out one or two novels every single year!
Basically, you’re just releasing the same novel, but with different character names and different locations.
Unless it’s a series and then basically it really is the same novel.
# 2 Don’t change
Do not change.
Do not develop your writing craft.
Do not expand your vocabulary.
Do not write in different genres, or viewpoints.
Ignore any thoughts of challenging yourself creatively by writing about big topics that scare you.
Really, don’t think too hard about the work at all.
Just tell a story; the same story you’ve been telling for years.
# 3 Be a jerk
Make sure everyone in your novel is white, straight, and male.
If there are any females in your novel, they had better have blonde hair, big boobs, and be able to run at a sprint in five inch heels. She must also agree with everything the male characters say, and make sure that she doesn’t make decisions or show any initiative.
Mostly she just answers phones and passes on messages to the character who actually do stuff.
Characters of different ethnicities, religions, ages, ability, and sexual orientation – if they appear at all – should only be included as minor characters so you can tick the diversity box.
# 4 Act entitled
If a reader shows up in a signing line with a copy of your book that they purchased from a library sale [with the call number still printed on the side] or a second hand bookshop [the resale price written in pencil on the fly leaf), shame them, and exile them from the room.
You didn’t get any royalties for that purchase, so why should you sign their book? Who cares that they read your work and enjoyed it enough to get in their car, drive to the venue, and wait in-line for an hour to spend fifteen seconds with you?
The rich author’s moto: Money talks and poor readers walk.
# 5 False perception
This is the most important trait for you to adopt.
To become a filthy rich author, your perception of your work must be totally different from the novel you wrote.
‘It’s about feminine agency!’
But ninety percent of the cast is male?
‘It’s an exploration of what it means to be human.’
But it’s a romance between two straight white people and the only thing that is keeping them separated is a silly misunderstanding.
‘It’s a coming of age story nestled in a family drama.’
Where everybody essentially becomes their parents … ?
‘His brown eyes—’
They’re actually blue … or at least they were on page three …
The more your perception of your work differs from what you actually wrote, the better.
Gas light your readers to oblivion!
There you have it, folks, those are the five steps you can take to become a filthy rich author.
*Please don’t do any of the above steps. Seriously.
Need help finishing that short story, novel, memoir? No problem. The Follow-Through Formula is a free video training which unpacks the five strategies you can use to go from idea to completed project.
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